Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
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Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.