FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

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Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.


10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]


Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!


I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.


Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…


Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.

Parents: ok, cool.

Me: Your luggage is outside


My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.


him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move


If you love something, set a cheese trap. If you catch it, it’s a mouse. Why are you in love with a mouse?


My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff