[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
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Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position