Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.