[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My dog after a walk in the woods.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
How do you like your Corgi?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.