[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.