Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
oh my gosh!!
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I beg your pardon?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer