[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
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Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible