Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
You Might Also Like
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.