Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
how to have fun when you’re poor
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs