[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
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Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.