[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS