*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*
Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?
Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
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just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor
Why does Batman wear a mask?
Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall
me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!
[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”