[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
How animals would run if they were human
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.