WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

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*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*

Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?

Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME


just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor


Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.


5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.


I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.


Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”


Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies


[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.


wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!


[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“A McRib”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”