Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I used to be the person who preached “no question is a stupid question.”
And then I joined Twitter.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?
Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
carnival employee: how many marbles—
me: *eats all the marbles*
carnival employee: —are in this jar
me [confidently]: zero
me: you meant jellybeans, right?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.
The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages