WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
M: Hello?

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I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.


Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.


doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015


[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again


Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.


“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season


I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me


I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.


There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag