I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.