WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
M: Hello?

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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.


The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…



Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.


“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”


*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs


3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too


Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?


It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face


My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.


The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.