@thestlouisan

[Texting]

WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
W:
M: Hello?

You Might Also Like

@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

@bendymommy

Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.

@carlyken

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

@suecorvette

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

@TheWeirdWorld

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

@tmckenna1

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

@malt_skull

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

@roxiqt

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

@delsinsfire

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag