[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.