“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
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Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
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me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
This guy’s not having it 😆
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right