WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
May have had one breakfast too many
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it