Neighbor: do you smell something outside?
Me: it’s the horses.
Neighbor: it smells like marijuana.
Me: they’re high. high horses.

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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah


Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?

Worker: You mean screws?

Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.



(commercial for drugs)

Man: Nothing is working out in my life
VO: Have you tried drugs?
Man: (startled) Who said that

Narrator: “Drugs”


Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.


I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.


The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.


I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.


[First Date]
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: (Forgetting the word masseuse) I uh squeeze people
Her: Um…?
Me: No its okay they pay me


Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.