You Might Also Like
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69