Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
#NeverForget
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?