@maybetomhanks

texts from ur dentist:

1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment

2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!

3. I miss us lol

4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth

You Might Also Like

@jtswhipped

Just watched Inception,Donnie Darko,Memento and The Matrix and now I don’t think I am real anymore.

@iinkedZombie

5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”

Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”

5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”

@Parkerlawyer

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

@Authoralexp

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

@ActuallyEmerson

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

@moxieblogger

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

@SamuelHLowe

She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.

I wanted ice cream.

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

@AaronFullerton

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.