“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”
-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?
texts from ur dentist:
1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment
2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!
3. I miss us lol
4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth
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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence
professor: tough shit
same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely