@maybetomhanks

texts from ur dentist:

1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment

2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!

3. I miss us lol

4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth

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@VikingBut

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

@AdamWeinstein

“WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU’RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN’T POOP”

@DBStoner

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

@markydoodoo

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

@thenatewolf

*she hears me singing in the shower*

Her: oh he’s so cute

*she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out*

Her: NATE NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@ADHDeanASL

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

@mellimelle

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

@clairedaniellem

yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”