@iRowlf
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
@junejuly12
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
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@iRowlf
@fuzzlime
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
@pinupteacher
Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.
@TheBoydP
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
@FunnyBison
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
@FuckabillyRex
I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.
@Smug_Lemur
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
@BooFricketyHoo
Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.
@MaryJustice86
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
@notsoevilrick
100% of divorces begin with marriage.