*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.