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OMG DAD WAT?
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.