He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
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“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?