Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

not for long

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar