Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3
*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us
My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.
I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.
Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.
HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.