@TheRolo

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

You Might Also Like

@bonehugsnirony

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

@EricaLynnz

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@DillDoes

You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us

@GalaxyofGhosts

My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.

@blasphe_me

I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.

@margolundy

Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

@drhappyknuckles

*couples therapy*

WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.

HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.

@CheeseDaydreams

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.