*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text