“TGIM!” – My liver
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*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”