Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.