thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
How to properly lift a body
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.