Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.


Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.


The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.


*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*



Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs


Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?


ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*


hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over


date: why are u talking to me like i’m a news anchor

me: sorry i do it when i’m nervous. back to you, karen.


Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.