@CulturedRuffian

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

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@joci2203

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

@OrangeFact

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

@lovemydogduck

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

@jannable9

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

@davidkenny100

Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs

Later

Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

@bromanconsul

hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over

@ch000ch

date: why are u talking to me like i’m a news anchor

me: sorry i do it when i’m nervous. back to you, karen.

@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.