Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

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[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer



thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit

me: Bitey loves kids doe


~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?




People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.


ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin


Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.


“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.


Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.


Me: I’m hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103!

911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?

M: maybe

911: stop


I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind