@fouadelbatrawi

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

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@pleatedjeans

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

@MumInBits

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

@behindyourback

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

@jergarl

After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@MoneypennyNaked

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

@0point5twins

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.