Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

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A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees


There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.


Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man


My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes


What I said:

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.


Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved


After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.


A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.


Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*


Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.