Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).