Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?