Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?

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[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.



[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT


73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.


I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.


First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose


Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:


[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone


i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time