[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time