There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Reporter: *ports again*
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
One of the best
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.