Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
looks legit
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.