Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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There is a new app. that tells you how smarter your dog is.
Here’s how it works :-
If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than you.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.