Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”

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Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!

Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?


My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.


Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.


date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken


I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.


Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon


I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”


To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.


I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!