@hidingfromme

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”

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@DaHess1

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.

@Cycloptomese

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

@TheAndrewNadeau

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

@ConanOBrien

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

@tiemoose

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I’m incredibly tired of you putting everything in the wrong place

ME: I’m sorry honey. *opens dresser drawer* Have some iced tea

@theshamingofjay

Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.

@KentWGraham

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.