“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
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People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!