Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”

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I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.


My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!


SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?



My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.


him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital


My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more


WIFE: I’m incredibly tired of you putting everything in the wrong place

ME: I’m sorry honey. *opens dresser drawer* Have some iced tea


Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.


I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.