Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now