Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
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husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I feel it
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My first child will be named New Folder.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane: