Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision


My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.


Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.


I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad


They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.


Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.



Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.


10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]


Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*