Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
it was a valiant fight
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
see you in hell you stupid fruit
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.