Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
You Might Also Like
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.
We’re on the 12th floor…
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope