@215potter

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

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@AngelaEhh

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

@3sunzzz

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

@dshack8

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

@GrantTanaka

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

@BorowitzReport

Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”

@mjkspeaks

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

@donni

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

@IamJackBoot

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

@sixfootcandy

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?