Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..