I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.