@daddydoubts

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

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@MmeSurly

My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.

@OneFunnyMummy

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@DothTheDoth

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

@Darlainky

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

@TVsCarlKinsella

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

@GoldenSpirals

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

@ArfMeasures

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

@momTruthBomb

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

@Starchily90

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?” I always say yes……… Cause otherwise they make you watch it on their phone