@Elizasoul80 I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
@daddydoubts Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
You Might Also Like
@Elizasoul80 
@9to5Life I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
@girl_a_whirl His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
@jazmasta When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.
@no_thx19 
@daemonic3 How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
@stevevsninjas Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
@QwertyJones3 An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
@Ygrene [to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
@MarlonBrandNO Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.