Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Happy thanksgiving!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect