My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
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The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing
Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?” I always say yes……… Cause otherwise they make you watch it on their phone