@daddydoubts

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

You Might Also Like

@Elizasoul80

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

@9to5Life

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

@girl_a_whirl

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

@jazmasta

When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@stevevsninjas

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

@QwertyJones3

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

@Ygrene

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister