[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You’ll know what I mean.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.