@kylekinane

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

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@EndhooS

[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

@Six_Pack_Mom

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

@ItsFunnyLife

Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You’ll know what I mean.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

@LackOfShame

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

@plumbur

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

@JB4Realz

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

@chopper4jk

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.