Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
mom had nothing to worry about
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
🙋♀️
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?