Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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My therapist after every session
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
OH. COME. ON.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!