[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot
Yes, this list is in order.
“I’m not usually religious, but…” – Dan Mintz
#LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
my 8 year old daughter emails me a lot while I’m at work