@__candypants

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

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@chuuew

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

@FredTaming

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

@McSwtrvst

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

@SequelsWeWant

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

@DayneDimmick

I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.

@tealbluejay

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

@Dutch_50

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

@wolfpupy

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt