@chuuew
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
@__candypants
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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@chuuew
@TheAndrewNadeau
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
@FredTaming
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
@McSwtrvst
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
@380kmh
I have a new favorite meme page
@SequelsWeWant
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
@DayneDimmick
I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.
@tealbluejay
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
@Dutch_50
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
@wolfpupy
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt