Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
look at me when i’m typing to you
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
an octopus is just a wet spider
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17