@krustythe_klown

Thank God there are no Bible verses shorter than 140 characters.

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@jnudey

do you have to watch the 53 other super bowls to understand this one or is it a new storyline

@TheToddWilliams

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

@RoosterMustache

Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

@mstluvstrinkets

Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter

@DudeMass

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

@RodLacroix

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

@YSylon

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

@cwhudson

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips