19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Meowchelangelo
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
cats when you pet them too long:
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
this is literally a CIA plant
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins