Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

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A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example:
I ate Julie’s sandwich.
I ate Julie’s colon.


our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it


Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.


A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.


[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that



Me: you know what being haunted is fine


If you read Twitter backwards it tells the story of humanity slowly getting smarter.


I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.


Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.