Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
“No way.” -Jose
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I just love that new Pope smell.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil