thank god
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*seductively peels off lederhosen
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Basketball
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I camp so other people don’t have to.