Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river