If you had more money you’d be happier.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
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To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet