Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

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When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters


We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.


Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.


Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.


*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche


My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.


RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this


It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.


Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.