@PickleRudd

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

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@AnOrangeSNES

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

@AlanFelyk

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

@_b1p0larbear

Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.

@thenatewolf

Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.

@Playing_Dad

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

@LMFaye

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

@TuSoonShakur

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

@Donna_McCoy

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

@DevilryFun

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.